Dirty Jokes Part I

The Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.


When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."



The hippie says that he'd love to know how, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight, the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glow-in-the-dark-makeup," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and wearing a glowing God-like mask. "I am God. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.

The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off a mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Three Guys in a Bed

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.
In the morning, the guy on the right said, "I had this great dream last night that a girl gave me a hand job"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I."

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dreamt I was skiing"

 

Vibrant Vibrators
 

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an emergency appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered straight into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

 

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

 

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation."

 

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?"

 

Lettuce and Tomato

 

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say, "I still live with my parents, and my brother and I share bunk beds so if you want to change positions, say 'lettuce' and if you want to go faster say 'tomatoes.'"

 

So, they were getting it on and she was screaming, "lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, tomatoes."

 

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said, "Could you please stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise on me!"

 

Russian Vodka
 

A broke Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned, and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

 

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

 

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

 

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall, and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

 

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

 

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."

 

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"


-Pictures courtesy Thinkstock-